Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

This 4th of July, please remember…

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.

😂💯

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

If you need a laugh.. 😅

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

British websites use biscuits.

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?