If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
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That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.