Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

I’m really happy being single

Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

[God creating armadillos]

Shove that mouse into a seashell

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…

Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about

KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?

ME: change the wi-fi password

KID: nonononono I’m sorry

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.