If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
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People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
This could be us… but you playing
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
“you recording!?”