Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?

Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

dvd? why are the Ds fighting??

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt