People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
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If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*
“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
“Y dnt u Muslims tell ISIS to stop”
Ok hold up *pulls out iphone*
“Yo ISIS habibi,its me plz stop”
ISIS:”ok habibi sorry,shisha tonight?”
I just had a coughing fit and think I accidently created a Nicki Minaj song featuring Ke$ha.
Sorry, you guys.