If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
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They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
some cats are just doing for fun!
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake