If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
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Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Ok cat haters, explain this…
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask