Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

sigh

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great

ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?

FRIEND: Sure

ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”

-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

When someone says you are so lazy

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

nature’s most graceful animal