Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

ㅤㅤ

At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

Me: Donates my body to science

Science: Donates my body to Goodwill

Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store

Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

[Shopping with $100]

As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!

As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”