Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?

Me: holy shit how bad is it?!

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

WORM 911: what’s ur emergency

FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD

WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.