Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*

“This tofu tastes like chicken.”

No one believes you dude.

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

ㅤ

Investing in beetcoin

At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please