if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world
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eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Big Sex has us all fooled
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Every time.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.