if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world
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My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
The Friday File.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.