If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
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Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.