If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
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Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient