You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
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I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Cha-ching is my safe word
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”