If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
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God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven