If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
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New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for