If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
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I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there