If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
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I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.