Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.

Home Depot employee: …

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

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I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”