Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?

if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.

it wasn’t ebola

it wasn’t trump

it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year

it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone

it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.

May never get over this

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die

Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.