If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
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Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
looks legit
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool