If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
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Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.