If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
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Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.