If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
and now we wait
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad