If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
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My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.