If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
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I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
🙂🙃🥹
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Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Nothing to do, you say?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”