If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
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Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
why is everyone yelling about nude ears
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking