Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.

It’s a Rome ants novel.

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”

My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.

She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.

It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

He looks like he’s got a lot to say

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣