If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
You Might Also Like
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
How all things should be taught/explained.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before