If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
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*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket