If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
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I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body