If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
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It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
He just like my cat fr
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
PARKOUR
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!