If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
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Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Me: The 100th day of school is coming up so you have to dress like you’re 100.
Daughter: Ok. Do you mind if I borrow something?
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Every house has this drawer
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
When you let grandma cat sit
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers