If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
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Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
The French cow says MEUX…
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!