If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
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cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.