If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
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Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining