Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.

I really had high hopes for this year though

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week