If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
You Might Also Like
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Always
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest