If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
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Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
This is a bad sign
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Happy thanksgiving!
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.