If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
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Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…
But I’m worried he might take a fence.
#Jokes
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.