Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

me: lmao i saw it on twitter

them: what’s your twitter

me: i don’t have twitter

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

when revenge coincides with naptime

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

When someone trying to leave me

Capitalist: Hi

Anti-Capitalist: hi

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not