if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
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I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..