Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS

Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.

Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

Okay me first

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6