Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…

Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?

[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see