If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
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“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Husband of the year 😂
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.