If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
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A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
THIS HEADLINE
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
the official breakfast of 2021
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Happens to everyone.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Just a phase…
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.