Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet

Wife: Have you tried rice?

Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars

Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.

Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body