Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

Short story

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

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Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

me: hi do you take walk-ins

the morgue: what

13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.

Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.

Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.

ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.