If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
You Might Also Like
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?