Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited

Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!

Onion rings.

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.