Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.

*puts cutlery down*

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring