If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
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My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Always the camel, never the toe.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
lmfao come on
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
A choir of Spring onions
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?