Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket

Cop: is that an olive in there?

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

Now colored!

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*