Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

Netflix and you sit over there.

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap

ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

That’s amazing can I get a bud light please

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares