Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

Is your wife single?

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

[6 PM]

Tween:

[7 PM]

Tween:

[8 PM]

Tween:

[9 PM]

Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.