Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.