@NYC_Blonde

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

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@InternetHippo

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

@NewTmrw

Coronavirus is too radical. America needs a more moderate virus that we can respond to incrementally.

@JasonLastname

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

@handsock_butts

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

@iatemuggles

divorce lawyers waiting to open up after couples spent all the time together in isolation

@myonlymizztake

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

@mom_ontherocks

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

@Jake_Vig

“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans

@TheFunnyWorId

I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

@IamEnidColeslaw

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?