If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
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my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I found your tweet-up…
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf