“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
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Coronavirus is too radical. America needs a more moderate virus that we can respond to incrementally.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
divorce lawyers waiting to open up after couples spent all the time together in isolation
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?