If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
6. me as a lawyer
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.