If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
You Might Also Like
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.