@Maxine12339

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

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@GrantTanaka

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

@BackrowSeats

Sometimes you have to make a stand. Not there though. You’re blocking the TV.

@tomhanksrva

An actual conversation between me and a girl I was “dating” in 6th grade

@NYC_Blonde

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

@AmericanGent69

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

@JB4Realz

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

@MikeMcNeil_

Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.

@FatherWithTwins

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

@dafloydsta

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.