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*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane![]()
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
*jingles half the way*
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
Never forget.
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okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
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Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house