If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
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Who needs an Air Fryer?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.