If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
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Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know