@SamGrittner

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

@SarcasticAlly12

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

@SarcasmMother

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

@CanadianBeave13

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

@TheCatWhisprer

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

@FeelingEuphoric

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

@VerifiedDrunk

Life is full of people you can’t have and people you don’t want.

@KyleMcDowell86

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

@TheDrunkStory

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State