Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
You Might Also Like
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Life is full of people you can’t have and people you don’t want.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State