If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
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Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you鈥檙e cute no one says shit
But what if it鈥檚 actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
translated into Canadian
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 馃槒
Him: We all are…
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
everyone’s a critic
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it鈥檚 not what it looks like.
Can鈥檛 stop laughing.. 馃槀
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she鈥檚 supposed to be sleeping.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.