If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
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Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Candles never taste the way they smell
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
🙂🐾
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’