Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

RT if you could go either way.

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.