If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
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Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.