If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
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My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury