If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
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How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before