If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
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(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
