Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

this is a sign that you need a union

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.