If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
You Might Also Like
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Only you can prevent podcasts
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Good morning
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.